The Wedding

I was in a more stable place. I could now walk calmly through a supermarket with LA by my side and buy something in the kiosk once I was done shopping.It was such a victory. I was looking forward to shopping for groceries like a normal person. In the old days, before my total boycott of supermarkets, my magic number was 5. I could only buy 5 items at a time. That worked well for me until one day in the supermarket Netto. I parked my bicycle in front of the supermarket and all of a sudden I was in my kitchen unpacking the groceries. The time in the supermarket and the trip home was missing. Completely sober, I had had a blackout. I had bought some strange things. B came into the kitchen to say hi. I was so confused. I emptied the shopping bag and went to go to my room. I grabbed my purse, it felt too heavy. I looked inside and there were three different kinds of trash bags. I didn’t usually buy those, so why were they in there and did I even pay for them? The entire episode was so unpleasant that I promised myself NEVER to set foot in a supermarket again.

A and B were getting married that summer on the Greek island, Hydra. I was bringing T. I couldn’t wait, but before it was time to go, I had to sew A’s wedding dress. I had never before sewn anything that big and difficult myself, but I would do anything for A, and it turned out so pretty. I also made dresses for A’s sister and her girlfriend, so it felt like a real vacation, when it was finally time to leave. It was a fantastic week, and the wedding was beautiful. T and I enjoyed Hydra and each other’s company. We found our own little cafe on a cliff, where we spent our afternoons. I had hardly had any symptoms on the trip, but during one of the last days there, I had a psychosis. A pretty big one, and I didn’t have any sedatives with me. T was so sweet, he held me and comforted me. He ordered me a glass of whiskey, since he thought that might help calm me down. The situation got under control so much so that we could walk back to our hotel. After a nap I felt fine again, and once again it had been confirmed to me that T was the right person for me.

When we returned home I had to go to a meeting at the commune. The meetings had become increasingly stressful. I found it humiliating being on social security, and to be met with distrust and scepticism again and again was so demeaning. I had always taken care of myself, and if I had a choice I would have kept on working. I felt like they viewed me as a leach, who just wanted more. I couldn’t deal with any more meetings, but I didn’t have a choice. Therefore LA started to go with me. I felt more comfortable, when she was there. I knew she had my back and would stop them, if and when they crossed the line. She also made it easier to ignore the snails that were moving around among the case workers. I was petrified someone would step on one. The mere thought gave me chills down my spine.

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