The Room

Springtime with T was wonderful, it looked like we were a good match. My safest place was my bed, and it only became more safe with him lying there with his laptop and bad jokes. He saw me scratching the wallpaper and freak out about the snails, but he stayed. There wasn’t any drama or fights either, and that was new and very strange to me. I was still practicing shopping at Super Best with LA. It was a slow process, and I still hadn’t bought anything. The worst thing was when the anxiety already reared its ugly head in the vegetable department by the entrance. Then one had to go through the whole store before being able to get out and breathe. LA was the best support. She was always so calm and collected. I always knew she would get me out safely, but I was really looking forward to shopping there with T like a normal person.

B had asked A to marry him in Berlin. I was so happy for them. Unfortunately it mean that they had to move. All the way to Norway where A was from. I was miserable. A was my best friend and we had been through everything together, since traveling to Australia together in 2001. I didn’t know how I would cope without her. When I was admitted, she came for a visit. She brought Elle and Marabou chocolate. It was raining cats and dogs that day. Ice cold February rain. A got lost on the hospital grounds and by the time she got there, she was soaking wet. There she was, with big, beautiful and very blue eyes, dripping. I was touched to the very core. It was the best visit, even though A didn’t dry up before visiting hours were over. And now she was moving far away.

The room they had stayed in wasn’t empty for long. My friend R, whom I had met at the cafe, needed a place to stay, because she was in a failing relationship. She moved in right away. Even though it was very different, it worked very well. B had a good time cooking and drinking beer in the kitchen or hanging out in the living room. Most mornings I was up early enough to have a coffee with her before she went to work or school. It was a nice little commune and in the summer we gained another resident. Even though we had only gone out for 6 months, T thought it was silly paying two rents, since we were always at my place, and announced that he was moving in. Oh God, please let this go well, I thought.

At OPUS I joined different groups, like psyche education and social skills training. I absorbed knowledge. I believed knowledge was my best defence and my best weapon against the disease. I also learned a lot about medicine. It was important to notice the difference between the disease and side effects. Even though I only spend one or two days a week at OPUS, I saw it as a full time job. My mind was a prisoner of disease and the effects of medicine, and I wouldn’t accept that. Maybe I wasn’t going to get cured, but as a minimum I wanted to get better.

2 kommentarer til “The Room

  1. Rebekka- Thank you for tranlating your story into English. You have NO IDEA how much I can relate to so many aspects of it. Most people know I suffer from depression and some anxiety, but they don’t have any idea how bad the depression has been. I’m so, so, so grateful you have T. It’s hard to battle your own mind alone. I have been in some incredible dark places and I still struggle. I have been in the hospital but it wasn’t much help. In fact I am starting to work with a new psychiatrist and a new counselor as I am simply not getting the help I need from my old psychiatrist. Sometimes a change is good. I think about you and T a lot, and hope you’re happy and content with your lives. You have been through so much – you certainly deserve some happiness. Love, Denise

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    1. Hi Denise. You’re welcome. I’m sorry to hear you a suffering too, but one of the reasons I write my story, is to break the taboos surrounding mental illness. It doesn’t define us as people. I’m so grateful you are taking time out of your day to read this. THANK YOU 😘

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