I first met T in the beginning of December. We saw each other a couple of times more before Christmas, where he went to his parents place and I went to mine. Things were going well. We had such a good time together and he made me laugh. I needed that in my life. I was completely honest about my illness and my situation and how it affected my everyday life. If he had any worries, he didn’t show it. It seemed as if he really wanted to be with me in spite of all that. He saw through it all and saw me. It was a wonderful feeling. He found the old me amongst illness and bad memories, and reminded me that I was more than her, the mentally ill one. I would be forever grateful for that. No matter what happened.
After New Years we met at Snork (a bar). We had such a nice time, but I needed to know how he felt, before I could allow myself to feel anything. I asked him if he could fall in love with someone like me? No, he answered promptly. My heart sank and I felt like all blood left my head. I realized it was a joke. A bad, awkward joke. But it was too late. The anxiety level rose, slowly but surely. It culminated at Kebabistan (a kebab shop), while we were waiting for our food. I had to get away. I felt like I was gonna die. I left. T came running after me. We walked home in silence. I was feeling so bad that I couldn’t hide it. I was afraid of scaring him off, but I had lost control. When we made it home, I hurried to my pets, two bunnies that I was looking after. I petted them and talked to them. It calmed me down. All this happened while T was watching. Can I do this? He had asked himself on his walk home the next day. Luckily, the answer was yes.
After a while, T said he didn’t think we saw each other enough. I was confused, we hung out at least once a week. I didn’t know, if I had the energy for more than that. He explained that we needed to spend more time together in order to get to know one another. He didn’t need to be entertained, he just wanted to be with me. Well give it a try, I thought. On his next visit he brought his laptop . There we were, each with our own laptop, watching tv. It was wonderful. This I could do, I thought. This I definitely had the energy for. By mid February we had the talk. We became boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was called to a meeting at the commune. Even though I was ”sick on social security payments ” I had to show up at the commune every three months. It was my first meeting and I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect. O can’t tell that you’re sick, the woman said. What was I supposed to say to that? Nooo, I replied hesitant. Maybe you can’t. Can you work again? She asked. No, I don’t think so, I replied. Okay, feel better, she said. The meeting was over. I left somewhat confused.