The Medicine

The night I took the first Zyprexa, I slept for 15 hours. It was much needed, but I didn’t have time for that. I had a life! I wasn’t aware that I had to take them every night. That didn’t occur to me, until I got back to an annoyed SK. You HAVE to take them every night, if you want to get better, he said.
I took them, but I didn’t get better. I actually got worse. Out of desperation SK regularly increased the dosage. I also started taking them in the morning, before going to work. In addition I took oxapax, a heavy sedative drug. I got worse. It started to show. I saw the concern in the eyes of my family and friends. I no longer had any facial expressions, I couldn’t laugh nor cry and I gained 10 kg in no time. SK wanted me to get admitted to a psychiatric ward. Maybe he should take a couple of Zyprexas himself. In no way did I have time or energy, for anything that was going on inside my brain. Least of all a hospitalisation.

I don’t remember that Christmas, but I celebrated New Years at a couple of friends’ house in Oesterbro. I was a spectator all night. The conversations were too fast for me to join in. Every time a person laughed, or I heard the noise of cutlery against a plate, it sent a wave of discomfort right through me. I wanted to go home, but it was raining and I knew it would be impossible to get a cab. I had my bike, and even though I wanted nothing more than to go home, I couldn’t find the courage or the energy to ride home to Oernevej. Luckily little A, a friend of mine, was going home around one am. She lived in the neighbourhood and I went home with her to sleep. I didn’t sleep a lot, however. My sleep had gotten really bad again. Little A got scared when she woke up the next day. I was just laying there, staring up into the ceiling. When I came back to SK, he increased my dosage again.
Every day was about survival. Times were really hard at the company. We had no money, and due to bustle and fatigue, we had closed the shop in Store Kongensgade, and moved the workshop to my apartment. We were going to Istanbul on a business trip. I was so tired. I felt like screaming or crying all the time. I was that tired. It didn’t register either, that I had to buy new clothes for the trip because I had gained weight again. I was done. When I got back to SK, he said I’m throwing in the towel. I’m admitting you to the psychiatric ward.

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